I’m Insecure

How much is insecurity is costing you?

The big problem with being shy and introverted is the overwhelming sense of insecurity that quite literally cripples our ability to interact with the world. Whether in our personal or professional relationships, insecurity costs us—big time.

So many of us give up on ourselves long before anyone else has an opportunity to give up on us. And yes, I am speaking from experience.

And yet, how many of us are actively taking steps to overcome this potentially catastrophic affliction? In my experience, not many.

Why is that?

Because the same emotions that work against us also work against our confidence that we could ever “fix” what we perceive to be wrong with us. Even if we consider seeking professional help like a coach, counselor, or psychiatric professional, the deep-seated fear of revealing this deep dark secret of insecurity can be overwhelmingly difficult. For some, me included, it is a badge of shame.

So many of us suffer through it. Convinced that how we are is how we will always be.

I’m here to tell you that is 100% bullshit thinking. No matter how difficult it may seem to overcome your sense of insecurity, you owe it to yourself to fix that. In fact, your happiness and satisfaction in just about every area of your life depend on it!

Being insecure is a learned behavior.

And since you learned how to become insecure, you can just as readily unlearn it. Notice I didn’t say “easily” unlearn it. There’s nothing easy about it. Let’s not kid ourselves, there is no magic Matrix-colored pill that can instantly restore your confidence and security. I wish there was. Oh, Neo where are you when I need you.

But there are a few ideas I’ll share with you that have helped me.

Stop Giving Away Your Power

You are more powerful than you think.

Insecurity in a lot of circumstances means that you don’t speak up. We don’t share opinions or ideas because we assume we have nothing of value to contribute. Stop assuming that. You do have something of value to contribute. We all do!

You have life and work experiences that are relevant. You have opinions on just about everything - like everyone else in the world does. You also have conviction in your thoughts, words, and actions. You must stop playing in the shadows and letting everyone else be the only voice in the room.

Come into the light to share what you have to say and take your power back. Do it more and more and watch how quickly your confidence builds.

I realize this is easier said than done. It takes practice. So why not do that. The next time you find yourself in a team meeting or hanging out with your family or friends, interject a thought, an opinion, or a well-placed comment. I find the best way to raise the proverbial hand and jump into the conversation is by saying, “That’s a great comment/observation/perspective (use whatever is appropriate). It makes me think of ____________.”

Trust me, it works.

Turn Contribution Into Power

President Theodore Roosevelt had a saying, “Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far.”

I had a teacher in 10th grade tell me that I needed to turn my shyness into a strength. He explained that since I didn’t say much during group discussions or in group projects, I was allowing life to happen to me. However, something he noticed about me was how I could “turn it on” when someone asked me a very specific question or asked me for a direct comment. People stopped and listened to what I had to say. I had no idea this happened as my fear and insecurity were all-consuming.

He said that he didn’t believe I was shy as much as I was afraid to contribute. I was simply letting everyone else contribute instead so I didn’t have to. I was happy being the fly on the wall.

Until that moment, I had never thought about that.

He told me I needed to find a way to offer up my thoughts and perspective and by doing so, I would actually realize I really did have something to say. And that people wanted to hear it. He said had noticed in class when I did speak what I had to say was always well thought out and often attention-getting. The problem was, that it generally took someone having to ask me to contribute before I would say a word.

The best advice I heard years later from one of my first bosses. Don’t just talk to talk, everyone does that. If you open your mouth have something of value to say and show people just because you are quiet doesn’t mean you aren’t smart. People will eventually come to respect and admire you for it.

I’m here to tell you that both my teacher and my former boss’s advice never leaves me. I use it to this day. And when those feelings of insecurity bubble up, and they do, often daily, I remember to use them as a nudge to step into my power and say something. I may speak softly but what I have to say is important. Who knows, it just may make a difference if I let it.

Get Some Help!

Finally, one of the best things to ever happen to me was to work with some very important mentors and coaches throughout my career. Having people in my corner when a crisis of confidence moment happened was critical. Having someone that could pump me back up and remind me of my value so I wouldn’t scurry off into the comfortable recesses of my mind and just keep hiding.

It is so easy to fall back on what works. Our ego is brilliant at telling us we aren’t worthy, we aren’t smart enough and we should just keep our mouths shut. You have to get good at quieting that part of your mind so you can come out and play with the rest of us. Having someone like a coach or mentor to encourage you and even talk through specific situations to overcome the negative self-talk and b.s. stories we make up in our mind is so helpful.

Just having someone on your side to nudge you in the right direction is a game-changer.

Several of my coaching clients call me for a “pep talk” before a big meeting or an important conversation. Just like any professional athlete that does a warm-up before the big game, preparation is key. I remind my clients what the game plan is, how and where to guide the conversation, and most importantly, remind them of their worth. Having someone who is on your side and equally invested in your success is like Kryptonite to the negative self-talk. Just having a friendly, supportive person encouraging you forward takes away all of the power that negative thinking and uninspiring self-talk can have on you.

If you are like me, insecurity never goes away. And fighting it all on my lonesome can be exhausting. So don’t do it. Build your team of go-to resources who can help you by supporting and guiding you when and where you need it. Whether it’s a really good friend, family member, or professional resources like a coach or a counselor, they can help you keep your insecurities in check and refill your confidence well so you can take on the world.

You’ve Got This!

It’s time for a breakthrough.

Look, this stuff isn’t easy. I still struggle with it myself. But the bottom line is you owe it to yourself to stop letting insecurity, lack of confidence, shyness, or however it manifests in you from stealing your joy. You have so much to offer this world and the world needs you!

Read that sentence again. The world needs you!

I want you to do something for me.

Think of all the things that you’ve missed out on because you let these insecurities keep you quiet, keep you on the sidelines, and keep you from being a part of something great. How does that feel right now? Pretty lousy right?

I know, because I myself can feel it when I think of my own misses in life. All those times when my insecurity cost me something - mostly my self-worth.

So turn those feelings of pain and regret into motivation.

Agree right here and now that it’s time to do things differently. Realize you have power and that you matter in the grand scheme of things. The world really is waiting on you to realize that and take your rightful place in it.

Sure it can be scary. And yes, it will feel challenging and uncomfortable. But let me ask you this. Which feels more uncomfortable, trying something new or knowing you had something left to give and you didn’t even try. Come on my friend, isn’t it time you stopped playing small and started playing to win?

Win what you might ask? Win a better more fulfilling life. One you can be proud of, not one you have to hide from anymore.

I believe in you. Maybe it’s time you believe in yourself too?

Ripple On!!!