Ask Steve Harper: An Outsider’s Motivation

Q: Hey Steve! What drives your motivation for helping people connect?

The motivation behind my passion for helping people connect comes down to a couple of things really.

When I was a kid growing up, I never was made to feel like I belonged in our family. It was something I recognized early, like in kindergarten. And I felt if I couldn't belong in my family, how would I ever belong in a class of other kids? I think that was a big challenge until I broke out of my shell in my early teens and started being me.

But that loneliness, that isolation, was a major challenge. Already being shy and introverted was bad enough. Then, feeling like I didn't have a place or belong created an even greater sense of isolation.

One of the big breakthroughs for me, as I got older, was doing my best when I saw somebody who looked like they felt left out or maybe looked like they didn't belong, to make them feel welcome and find an avenue to connect.

I have countless stories of connecting with people, some who have become permanent fixtures in my life. Most were random interactions with people that were challenged. Could be a homeless person or somebody sitting alone at a bar or a restaurant. And inevitably, everyone sort of seems to carry this feeling about themselves when they sense they don't belong.

These are the people that I see, pay attention to and watch because I, to a certain degree, am probably still one of them.

The reality is that you see people when they’re hungry for human connection, and you can tell that connection doesn’t happen in their life. They don’t get it at home. They don't get it in their job. They are desperately seeking it. They might go out to the library or the bar or the local coffee shop, and they're hungry to just talk, to be part of something. And even though they’re out there in the community, they're still very much looking at themselves as an outsider.

My motivation, and what I've always done, is to try to help people find their sense of belonging and overcome some of the fear around taking a chance to connect with another person, rather than wait for it to happen. I think it wasn't until I discovered this, myself, that it became something super useful or valuable.

In fact, it became my superpower.

Then I realized that my insecurity about connecting could be strengthened when I could connect somebody with somebody else. I’d go to a bar and end up striking up a conversation with somebody and then pull in another person nearby for that conversation, just because they were there. "Hey, you know Ralph?”

The biggest thrill I probably ever get is by helping people connect with one another so I can send them off into the world, watch them go, and see what happens.

A friend of mine and I had coffee a few weeks ago. She and I have known each other for a long time, but we actually never had a one-on-one conversation, just a lot of email exchanges and LinkedIn exchanges. As we were talking, she couldn’t believe how it took her so long to recognize how important it was to connect.

During that conversation, she mentioned that her daughter was interested in real estate. She's a sophomore and looking for a summer internship. I offered to connect her with a few people because I know several great realtors including the founder of Keller Williams.

She's like, “Oh my gosh, that would be amazing.” And I said, “But she's got to step up, she's got to send me her resume, she's got to tell me what she's looking for. This is an opportunity for her to take that first step and if she's willing to connect, I'm willing to help her and reach out to my network.”

I ended up having three of my best connections agree to connect with her because I reached out to them. “Do you have any internships? Would you be willing to give it a go with someone with gumption and who wants to move into this industry?”

And what was great about connecting this young lady with these people was it showed her the power of building a network that way, AND it strengthened each of my own connections.

I get really, really excited about these things because my motivation is to help people overcome some of the fear and trepidation about connecting. And when I can do that, it gives me a sense of power. My friend’s daughter was so blown away by how open and engaging everybody was.

The key driver is helping people feel a sense of belonging and contributing to that in some way. I guess that’s my bottom-line motivation for everything from an outsider's perspective. I don't want anybody else to feel like an outsider, so I just have to share what I know.

If you have a question for me, send me an email at steve@ripplecentral.com. I might answer it in a future blog post!